I took a little break from posting because I’ve been in a weird headspace. I felt pretty guilty about it at first because I wanted to stick to a consistent schedule of posting. I know if I get off track, I just keep slipping. Then I remembered I am still writing, just not sharing with the world. I really am a private person so sometimes it’s hard for me to share so much.
Taking a break for my own sanity is okay. I’ve had to relearn this truth after becoming a mom. But there is a big difference between taking a break and giving up.
I’ve put a lot of dreams and ideas on hold or gave up before I even tried. I feel good about the effort I’ve put into working on myself this year but most of that is all internal, mental, emotional. Lately I’m feeling a push to do something more physically fulfilling and involve something outside of myself.
A couple weeks ago I applied for a work from home job. With my experience and skills, I basically started planning how I would make it work for our family cause I just knew I’d get it. Honestly while I was applying, I was thinking how much I didn’t want to do it. The job was convenient and seemed like a good fit. But I thought if I do this, I probably won’t ever get around to trying the new things I want to. What do you know – I didn’t even get an interview!
After that rejection, I felt two things – disappointment and relief. (Also disbelief, anger and embarrassment but oh well.) After a few days I realized HEY, I didn’t even WANT that job! I am also a firm believer in signs or things happening for a reason and this experience gave me clarity. I laughed that I had thought the job would hold me back…so now what? What excuse do I have now?
Another inner struggle turning into motivation is the possibility of having more kids. When I think of getting pregnant again, my first thought is always “I’m not ready.” Partly because I feel I haven’t done much with my life, for myself. I feel I’m still learning how to balance the care of our son, our home, everything and everyone else, and then me. I’ve put myself at the bottom of the list for awhile now, and that’s my own doing. Telling myself that we’re not adding to our family until I’ve “done something” with my life may be realistic but it’s also a lot of pressure to put on myself and an imaginary future baby.
When I decided to stay home, I thought I could figure out what I wanted to do or “be.” After two years I realize that not only did I take a break from exploring my dreams, I actually really gave up on myself. I gave up because my dreams changed. My priorities and interests changed when I became a mom so it’s inevitable that my dreams would too, but I think that scared me. Since I don’t have a clear plan to achieve these new dreams, (or even clear ideas of what I want to do), I’ve talked myself out of even trying.
Frankly, I’m really sick of thinking that I can’t do or have what I want. I know all this talk of dreams and ideas is kinda vague but I’m still figuring everything out. I’m working on thinking positively, upping my self care, being brave and trying new things. The more I do each of these, the more I’ll learn, grow and move past fear. No one is responsible for my dreams but me.
Have you given up on yourself or are you living your dreams?