I think it’s time I introduced myself a bit more and my inspiration for this blog. I am a person with extreme emotions. I am highly sensitive and I think I always have been. When I was younger, I remember being told that I got my feelings hurt too easily or I needed to toughen up. Over time, especially going through manipulative relationships, I learned to make myself smaller, quieter, more agreeable. Since I became someone I wasn’t, it is no surprise that I defined myself by these relationships. It was during one of these hurtful and self-doubting times that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
The older I get, the more I find myself thinking that it used to seem so easy to feel happy. I always thought I had lost my happiness somewhere along the way. But no…being carefree and having fun does not equal meaningful happiness.
Since becoming a wife and mom, I’ve noticed I’m not as compassionate or nice as I always thought I was. In fact sometimes I feel downright mean and ugly. When you spend most of your waking hours with a little being that can’t really communicate with you, you get a lot of time to think. With this seemingly unlimited time to self-reflect, I’ve had many realizations over the past couple of years and truly eye-opening moments of clarity, (most of which I’ll get into another time..).
In the early months of motherhood, with my whole life having changed, it was easy to blame my unhappiness on this new life as a mom. This led to a lot of anger, resentment, feeling stuck and absolutely lost. I vividly remember driving home one day and realizing on that quiet ride that I couldn’t hold anyone else responsible for MY happiness. Feeling angry and sad certainly wasn’t getting me anywhere. It was also affecting my marriage and parenting.
So at first, my main motivators of happiness were my husband and son. My husband is one of those people that seems to always be in a good mood. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him. And then there’s my son. He doesn’t know much about this world yet, but if I want to raise him to be happy and love life, I’ve got to model that behavior for him.
Besides knowing that I deserve to be happy and that I need to work on it for my family, I finally got to the point where I really WANT to be happy. I know that might sound weird, like why would anyone not want to be happy? Well… When you strip away who you are to please someone else and you crawl and claw your way to keep a relationship you think you need, you warp your mind into relying on drama. Even once I was in a healthy relationship, my unhealthy mind still couldn’t believe it. I thought something had to be going on behind my back. Time went on and I felt more confident in the relationship but my mind wouldn’t completely let up. When I would get mad or upset, I would hold onto those feelings because I simply didn’t want to let them go. Did I want to be miserable? I don’t know. Maybe I kind of wanted the other person to be miserable too but mostly, I think my mind still craved a bit of drama so it would create some itself.
You’re probably thinking that sounds awful. And you’re right. While not as admirable as my other reasons to get happy, finally being sick of my own destructive patterns is driving me to change. For some people, happiness and a positive attitude come naturally. For me, happiness is something I will have to consciously and continually choose. But what’s so important now it that I want to be happy, truly deep down, life-loving happy.
So that’s why I’m here.